How to Scam People on the Internet
by Alan Smithee (note to editor: never use your real name in a scam)

Everyone is getting rich in the dot-com world. It's the gold rush of the 21st Century. You've read the articles. You've watched the stock market. Hell, you've even sent a joke email or two. So, now it's time to cash-in while you still can.

Before you even have an idea, I recommend reading up on how to set-up a false identity for yourself, in case anything goes awry. I asked Jeeves where to find this info, and he recommended the following service: http://www.expage.com/page/changeid2. For the low, low price of $13.50 US, you can get a new driver's license, social security card, passport, etc.

Once you have a new Bad Self, you need a company name (the product or service isn't really necessary, but you can make something up if it makes you feel more comfortable). To generate a fun, catchy name for you company (and something that the appeals to today's kids, tomorrow's customers), try visiting the Wu-Tang name generator at: http://www.recordstore.com/cgi-bin/wuname/wuname.pl. If you're not entirely satisfied with this name, you can also go to http://www.enormicom.com/ for name suggestions, a logo idea (with a really cool swoosh in it) and a step-by-step process for establishing your dot com brand.

Armed with your name and swoosh, you can register the .com at http://www.networksolutions.com. Unfortunately, this will cost you, but it's not that much.

Now, you need to set-up your virtual Boiler Room so that you can start collecting the coin. Under your false identity and .com, you can now set-up a free web store at http://store.yahoo.com. The whole process only takes about 10 minutes. Also, you can set-up a free fax number with http://www.efax.com. Now, people can send their credit card information to yo' bad self. To make the site more credible, I recommend adding different delivery options and use lots of pull-down menus.

You still need a marketing plan to tell people about your wonderfully innovative idea. This is where the VC comes in (depending on your industry, VC has many names, Venture Capitalist, Virtually Crap, Very Comatose, but they all mean the same thing--free money). Here's what you do: steal someone else's business plan, you can find a lot of them on the internet. Use the find and replace command in Word to replace the other company name with your own. With the business plan ready to go, there are 2 ways to hunt for naive VCs:

1. "Invent" a revolutionary, new web-based technology; do lots of PR and get luddite journalists to hype up your company with stories about how your going to change the business world. Two things to remember: 1) use lots of acronyms and highly technical terms so that no one can do any fact-checking without thinking they sound stupid and 2) don't let anyone take your picture. If you handle this method correctly, the VCs will come to you to get in before you go public.

2. The more dangerous method is to go to lots of parties/web events in NY/San Fran. Carry your business plan (only one copy, promise to send it someone that asks for it and then don't send it) and lots of NDAs. You can get NDAs online, too. The NDAs will make you sound more official and will make potential VCs feel like they're on to something big. This method can work, but you will run the risk of being recognized later.

Ok, Ok. You have millions of someone else's dollars to spend. First things first. Throw a big party in Vegas. Spend at least 2/3 to 3/4 of your total budget on this party - it has to be BIG. Hire a has-been actor to host the party (any Star Trek or Full House actor will do, you can probably get a good 2 for 1 deal with those cute, little Olsen Twins and since they're still kinda children, people will think this venture is more honest). Get a big name band that no one cares about anymore, but you still hear in commercials, perhaps the Rolling Stones or George Harrison/Ringo Starr - they can play three or four songs before they pass out from old -age. And, the most crucial thing to remember, hire an out-of-work LA actor to play you. You do not want to be photographed or tied to this venture in any way. If you want to attend the party, pretend to be one of the many journalists on your invite list.

That's it. Good Luck. If you make lots of money with my Business Model® (patent pending), you can find me in one of those non-extradition countries that I will be writing about in my next article. Stay Tuned, Have Fun and Spend Someone Else's Money.